It’s a good feeling to be able to sit and laugh at a current or past situation that had done so much damage. Although, the people involved are still in their own little mess, all I can do is pray for them because that’s no way to live. Now that I’m out, looking in from the outside really gives you a whole other perspective. No hard feelings on my end, I’m trying not to hold grudges and all that does is weigh you down and keep you from happiness. I have learned it’s better to be alone and by yourself then to hold on to something just because you are afraid of being alone. “Don’t fall in love with potential.” This says it all. To be in a situation and be fully aware of what is going on and still put up with it is sad and is a trait of low self-esteem. For someone to witness a man’s actions toward another person first hand and chose to stay with them after the fact is a lost individual. For what he does to one he will eventually do to another. I admit I was there; we all have been at some point, but to observe it in others after you have moved on really makes you realize that you have it so much better being removed from the situation. You can’t be in love or hold on to an “idea” of someone and at 28 years old you shouldn’t want to. They will never change just because you hope for it. They have to want to change for themselves. I know now that some people are not and never will be capable of such changes in their life. Its sad that it took such an extreme situation for me to walk away. Something in me just finally snapped and I woke up. I'm better than this, I deserve better than this. People had me acting all out of my character and I am not that type of person. From that point I made myself walk away like it was nothing and didnt look back. Finally time to let go, my rope had broken.
On to a happier subject, this past week has been great. I have been hanging with friends and mending relationships. I went out with one of my BFFs and just sat and told her “this feels good, to just chill and be with girlfriends.” I almost forgot what it was like, the laughing, joking and inside jokes. I haven’t felt like that in a while. I have also developed new friendships that are making me happy in general. I can get my mind off the negative and focus on the positive. I recently have taken a break from life so to speak to work on myself. I needed to pause my social life and get away to work on some of my aspirations. I’m learning about what I like and what I want. I needed to stop worrying about how I can make others happy and figure out what it takes to make Ashley happy. Of course I want to find love, be in a relationship and move forward in my life but until I can do that I need to truly love myself and heal. There are things in my life I want to accomplish and this is the perfect time to do so. No kids, no man, just be single. There is no excuse why I cant go out and get what I want out of life. This time I plan to do things right, not rush and take things slow. At first I didn’t think this whole going away thing was something I wanted to do, I was stubborn. Now that it’s happened, I’m thankful I had friends and family that cared so much. I’m hoping to find a new meaning to myself and my purpose. Going to church has also been a help. I recently gave up drinking alcohol for Lent. I’m extremely proud of myself for this and anyone who knows me knows I like to go out, have a great time and drink. I look at it as a cleansing process and since drinking can also bring negative affects to one’s mind this is the best thing I could have given up during this time. I feel good!! I feel positive!! I feel like me again!! Stay tuned loves, more to come of my come up!!
It’s been a while, I’m not who I was before
You look surprised, your words don’t burn me anymore
Been meaning to tell you, but I guess it’s clear to see
Don’t be mad, it’s just the brand new kind of me
Can’t be bad, I found a brand new kind of free…..
XOXO ~andy *muah*
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